Ready to LOL? Here’s a guest post from our witty friends over at Scary Mommy.
There’s a classic bumper sticker seen often around these parts that reads, “I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could!” That’s exactly how I feel about the Lone Star state; I married a long, tall Texan and my kids are Texans. That makes me a Texas mom! Are you? Here are some signs you are, in fact, a Texas mom:
1. Your babies owned boots before they could walk
At any proper Texas baby shower, you are guaranteed to see beautifully wrapped packages containing tiny baby boots, tiny baby cowboy hats, tiny baby jeans and tiny “Made in Texas” newborn onesies …which is a little TMI, amiright??
2. Willie Nelson is a household name
Your toddler doesn’t sing “Wheels On The Bus” while running errands with momma… He or she sings “On The Road Again” and falls asleep to a Lyle Lovett lullaby. During SXSW, you strapped your baby in a sling and trudged across a field to hear them croon.
3. Manners matter
You’ve taught your kids that addressing adults as “ma’am” or “sir” is a requirement. If it is a close friend of the family, or your child is at a play date, addressing the adult in charge as “Miss” or “Mister,” followed by their first name, is acceptable too. Please and thank you. Yes, ma’am, I’m dead serious.
4. You know the difference between a “cookout” and a “barbecue”
Meat on a giant pit, cooked for hours is a very serious subject around here, and many Texas toddlers cut their teeth on the good stuff. And for the love of all that is holy, please don’t invite a Texas family over for “a BBQ” if all you are serving is grilled chicken and burgers. What are you, a Yankee?? Honey, that ain’t barbecue—that’s a “cookout” which is all fine and good, but don’t get it twisted.
5. Speaking of BBQ, let’s talk lunches…
Our school lunches might look a little different from the lunches in other states. There’s enchiladas. There’s Frito pie. There’s chili. (But NEVER chili with beans!) If we pack a lunch for our child, we might fix a chopped brisket sandwich, or some leftover chicken fried steak in a tortilla with a kolache for dessert. What’s a kolache? Google it and drool.
6. The shape of Texas is all up on you
The Lone Star state has a unique shape and is used with abandon here. You’ll see it on clothing, jewelry, cookie cutters, stepping stones, ornaments, tattoos, swimming pools… you name it. That goes for the flag, too. Do you own any of these things? (Guilty: No, I do not have a Texas tramp stamp… but I do have a Texas-shaped casserole dish complete with lid.) See also: baby clothes, above.
7. September = State Fair
On the day the State Fair of Texas opens, the town shuts down and kids get the day off from school. Moms know it’s a tradition to gawk at Big Tex and ride the Texas Skyway. Kids know that funnel cake with a side of deep-fried Oreos are what’s for dinner.
8. It’s 58 degrees. Pull out the parkas!
Have you ever stepped outside, felt a slight chill in the air and immediately bundled your little one in three layers of polar fleece? And was that a snow flurry you just saw!? (It was probably a rogue styrofoam packing peanut, let’s be honest.) Did you call to see if school is cancelled because of the one flake? Yep, you’re a Texas mom.
9. Your daughter’s homecoming mum, mom
Yes, everything’s bigger in Texas. The hairdos, the cars and the love of all things football. The homecoming corsages are no exception. Is the flowery monstrosity on her shoulder almost bigger than her head? Can she barely see over it? You’re getting there!
10. Bless Blue Bell
You knelt and prayed that the little creamery in Brenham would make a triumphant return to the frozen section of your local H.E.B. and you were first in line with a spoon when it finally did. Amen.
Being a Texas mom isn’t just a place on the map where you happen to raise a family, it’s a state of mind and a state of heart. Texas moms have a large-and-in-charge, no-nonsense, get-things-done kind of attitude. Darn right, we do. Don’t mess with momma and don’t mess with Texas!
This article was originally published here.
About the Author
Rachael Pavlik is RachRiot. Writer, mother, Pilates avoider. Beloved by tens of readers, some she’s not even related to. Co-author of the New York Times Best-Selling anthology, I Just Want To Pee Alone, she is a regular contributor to Scary Mommy. Her writing has also appeared on Today Parents, Moms Who Drink and Swear, In The Powder Room, Houston Family magazine, Babble, and Aiming Low. Her face has appeared on Great Day Houston and Fox 26 Morning News. She lives in Houston, Texas with her Current Legal Spouse and two above-average children.